Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
You Might Also Like
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
is this a warning or an offer?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.