When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here