[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*