The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then