The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You Might Also Like
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Baking is just science you can eat.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.