No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]