Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
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Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Midwest trash talk
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Bless you