4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I have a black belt in leather
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”