Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
New tinder profile pic
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
constantly working on myself.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.