me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.