Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
You Might Also Like
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.