😏😏😏
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat