As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.