1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Ugh
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure