I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
This makes total sense…
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.