[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
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[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.