Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You Might Also Like
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Smallpox sounds so adorable
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”