No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You Might Also Like
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”