Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.