I asked which vaccine she got馃拃馃拃馃拃
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Uber: *text* It鈥檚 your Uber driver. I鈥檓 outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Man Who Didn鈥檛 Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
me: *holding my black eye* honey I鈥檓 home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I鈥檓 surprised by on my neighbor鈥檚 lawn are metal lawn ornaments he鈥檚 had for 5 years.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger鈥榮 undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it鈥檚 great
date: so good
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he鈥檚 okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
yea so i messed up lol
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sof铆a Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That鈥檚 enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You think you鈥檙e a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.