Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Natural selection at its finest
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself