I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
When he asks for feet pics
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.