Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY