[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
A dad and his duck
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”