hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
mom gave me mine for free
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
White Castle for the Win
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes