Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My background check bounced.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband