Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.