Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate