[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
shut up and take my money
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable