aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”