ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)