children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
You Might Also Like
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
This is my pinned tweet
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.