I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.