Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
#Caturday
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
What if all the cashiers are married?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food