N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien