[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Is this you?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.