I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”