Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye