date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Flowers bee like
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.