Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
consequences, the bane of my existence