[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
You Might Also Like
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
drew a comic about my origin story
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
You know…for fall…