We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.