*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake