I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
You Might Also Like
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup