Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
You Might Also Like
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.