there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
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tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
remember
only for emergencies
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
can’t talk my ride’s here
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe