Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.