Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?