Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure