Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow